When I started this blog, I told myself I wouldn't worry about what people would think. I think I start every project with those good intentions. And then, I put some things out there, don't get the response I hoped for, and my resolve wavers. Often at that point I consider the whole thing a failure and give up on it. Well, I'm here again, faced with what is, most realistically, my greatest fear: nobody cares.
Now, I know that's not true, but for the sake of argument let's say it is true. Nobody cares about what I'm doing in my little corner over here. I don't get enough likes, or sales, or kudos, or whatever it is I'm measuring my worth by, and I conclude that I'm irrelevant, or merely adding to the noise. I have always sought reassurance that I'm doing the right thing or doing something good and worthwhile by keeping one eye on the mirror that my social circles hold up to me.
My creative gurus tell me, so what? Sure, it hurts your pride not to get glowing accolades for every move you make, and it's scary to share things you aren't sure people will like, but so what? I still have a choice to keep doing what I'm doing. Who cares if nobody cares? Nobody, that's who! And there is immense freedom in that. Nobody else is worried about what I'm making, or if I'm making enough things or the "right" things or even important things, so why should I worry about it?
I have to remind myself that I'm doing this, all of this stuff of life (including art), because I want to. Yes, I also want to become an overnight sensation and have oodles of talent and wisdom to share with all of you. At the very least I want to elicit a (positive) response from an audience. But aside from doing the thing and then sharing it, all the rest is completely out of my control. I'm learning (from my creative gurus) that maybe it's more important to just do it, that it's good enough, and maybe one day what I put out there will connect with another person, and maybe not, but most importantly it's good for me to do it anyway, and that's a good enough reason to keep doing it.
This line of thinking is uncomfortable for me. They call it Self-Compassion. That is a foreign concept in my brain and my heart but it resonates deeply in my soul. It's something I've been missing and I'm trying to get my head around it. It is somehow closely linked to Grace, which I also have trouble with. Bear with me. In all of this, everything I post online, every mark my pencil makes, every utterance from my mouth and every move I make, bear with me. I'm figuring it out as I go.
Here are some quotes and reassurances that I made pretty for you. These have helped my resolve to keep on making stuff over here in my corner no matter what. I hope they urge you to make stuff no matter what too.
Now let's go forth and make things!
♥ Ciara Kay
Note: Fonts used for the Jack Gilbert quote are Supernova and Ben Brown